The Mary Sues' Strike Back!
by Millikov
Summary: What happens when a whole horde of Mary Sues' gets dropped into Middle-earth? You don't want to know. Or do you? -Updated: chp 13-
1. And So We Begin

Disclaimer: Tolkien's. Not mine.

So there they were, the nine of the Fellowship, stuck in the Mines of Moria, at Balin's tomb. Then the noises sounded.

"Doom, doom" came the drumbeat as the walls shook.

The Fellowship drew their weapons, Glamdring, Sting and Andúril flashing out from their respective sheaths. They readied themselves, preparing for battle, when suddenly, the drumbeats ceased. There was a brief moment of tension and uncertainty, of sweaty brows and clammy fingers, when, quite unexpectedly, the pattering of many feet could be heard. Not the heavy-footed thuds of orcs, but the sound of many Nancer's nancing. Soon, the grunt of orcs could be heard, punctuated with occasional words such as-

"Hi-yah!"

"Take that!"

"Like, you totally ruined my nail!"

The Fellowship looked at each other, puzzled, with the exception of Gandalf, who was straining his ears, his face pale. Amidst the gloom and uncertainty, the voices of the Nancers' could be heard. Voices so exquisitely melodious, and so wonderfully sonorous, chanting the names of the nine. Gandalf was now quaking, horrified, the very picture of fear personified.

"They are coming."


	2. Poor Balrog, poor Gollum

Disclaimer: I am weary of this disclaimer nonsense. It's obvious that I don't own anything. The Mary-Sues' Strike Back 

"Who are coming?" whispered Frodo, looking very afraid indeed, as Sam patted his arm reassuringly.

"The Mary-Sues'," Gandalf intoned, looking as if he would rather be stuck in a room with Sauron and 10 Balrogs, rather than face the Mary-sues'.

"What new evil is this?" cried Aragorn, to which Gandalf replied-

"Run, run for it!"

And so they did. 

Bursting out of the chamber, they sprinted away, running as fast as their legs could carry them, narrowly evading the approaching Mary-Sues'. With a nance and a pout, the Mary-Sue's began chasing them.

"Gandalf!" yelled Boromir. "Pray tell, why are we running away from such fair maidens? How could they possibly harm us? And if they meant to kill us, can we not just turn and fight them?" (Note that in practically every Mary-sue alive, Boromir is a sexist bastard. So here, he will again be a sexist bastard)

"Boromir of Gondor," said Gandalf. "A simple lesson you need to learn-Appearances often deceive. These 'fair maidens' as you call them, are the very bane of Middle-earth. But there is no time to explain. Swords are no more use here! Hurry! To the bridge of Khazad-dûm!"

They dashed on, following the dim light from Gandalf's staff. The Balrog, sensing the presence of many, prepared to emerge from the depths of Moria. But alas! Alas for the Balrog! A Mary-Sue leapt forward to face him, her blue eyes sparkling, blonde hair rippling behind her.

"Hey GIRLFRIEND! I'm Barbecuemonkeyfaceham! Wanna like, get with it and join me? I'm like, saving Frodo from this big fiery Balrog thing. Frodo is so totally RAD! Hey, have you, like, seen a big fiery thing around here?"

 The Balrog, as soon as he heard all this, whimpered in fear and fled.

"Oh, that is sooo cute!" 

At long last, the bridge was in sight.

"Over the bridge!" cried Gandalf. "Fly! I will hold the way!"

Most heeded his orders, with the exception of Aragorn and Boromir, who stood their ground, ready to help Gandalf. The others halted just as they reached the other end of the bridge, and turned, not willing to leave their Companions behind. 

Glamdring glittered white as Gandalf gripped it, ready to face the fast approaching Mary-Sue's. 

"You cannot pass!"

"Oh, help, I'm so frightened. Ah, ah, help." Quipped another of those dazzling beauties, this one named Babydoll, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Gandalf looked slightly put off, but held his ground.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass!"

"Oh, go climb up a tree." Was Babydoll's reply. Then all of them were momentarily distracted as one of the Mary-Sues' darted away. There were sounds of a brief scuffle, before the Mary-sue returned, clutching a kicking, spitting, Gollum.

"Getss your handss of Gollum…poor poor Gollum wantss the preciouss! Gollum gollum," hissed the wretched creature, clawing at the Mary-sue till she pinned his arms to his sides. 

"Nikki always gets her Gollum," said the Mary-sue smugly, before noticing that everyone was staring at her. 

"Just because I got Gollum and you didn't, is no reason for you people to be jealous," Nikki said, at which everyone, including the Fellowship, shuddered involuntarily in disgust.

Gollum suddenly wrenched a hand free from Nikki's grasp and clawed at her hand, making it bleed. 

"AHHHH! BLOOD!" squealed Nikki, sinking to the floor rather gracefully, clutching her hand, her piercing, clear green eyes conveying a message of pain, although there was but a minuscule spot of blood on her "injured" hand, as Gollum squirmed free and scampered away into the darkness.

"Playing hard to get, eh, Gollum, my sweet?" Nikki cried out into the gloom, her voice as mystical as the wind. "I will find you, and we will be together forever, just as we were always meant to be! I will melt your frozen soul! Soothe your tormented heart! Heal your troubled mind! I know you love me Gollum, you are just afraid of what you are feeling! "

"Ai, Elbereth Gilthoniel, I feel sick," moaned Legolas, after listening to Nikki's sickly sweet tirade.

"Oh Legolas, come with me, I am wise, I can heal you!" chorused many voices immediately, as the Mary-sues' advanced onward again.

Legolas took one look at the Mary-Sue's and-

"GAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

Fled from Moria, his companions hurrying to keep up with him.

Author notes: So how was that? I think I was a little off when it came to Nikki the Mary-Sue, apologies for that. Sorry, I can't exactly stick everybody in yet. Anyway, if any of you other people want to create you Mary-sue for this, feel free to sign up! Application form in the 1st chp! Mary-Sue's object of affection need NOT be restricted to the Fellowship alone, (slashy-sue's are welcome also!) Note that Gandalf, Gimli and Pippin have yet to have any Mary-Sue's tormenting them. So get to it! Everyone who wants to be in will get in! No worries!

-Millikov****


	3. Arwen vs Glorfindel FIGHT!

The Mary-Sues' Strike Back! Chp 2

"Leg…Leg…O...las!" wheezed Frodo, running as fast as his wee little hobbit legs could carry him, which really wasn't very fast at all. "We've…been…running…for…ages! Can we…can we stop?"

"I second…that…idea." Gimli panted.

Legolas glanced behind him.

"No! The Mary-Sues' are still following us! We must press on!" he shrieked in girlish terror, running faster then ever, in all his elven glory, long blonde hair whipping behind him.

"SQUEEEEE!" went the Mary-Sues'.

"He likes me, its sooo obvious!" squealed Beautiful Mary Sue, waving frantically at Legolas, who quickened his pace.

"Valar save us," muttered Aragorn, picking up a very exhausted Frodo before sprinting on. Sam, with a cry of  "I'm coming, Mr. Frodo!" quickly grabbed onto Strider's free arm. Merry and Pippin followed suit, clinging onto each of Boromir's legs.

"Look! 'Tis the river Nimrodel! We are nearing Lórien!" cried Gandalf. "We can seek help from Galadriel there."

 There were multiple sighs of relief from the rest of his Companions. But as they neared the river's brink, the waters of Nimrodel grew increasingly turbulent, waves crashing onto the grass, till an extraordinarily large wave crashed directly at the Fellowship with such a force that it threw them to the ground, drenching them thoroughly. 

"What in Moria?' sputtered Gimli, clambering to his feet.

"I should have known," muttered Gandalf. "Nenya is at work. We cannot enter Lórien."

"Why?" enquired Merry, still clinging fearfully onto Boromir.

"Galadriel has seen everything with her Mirror. She will do anything in her power to prevent the Mary-sues' from going into the Golden Woods, even if it means denying us refuge."

The Mary-Sues' were upon them now, and the eight Companions eyed them warily. The ninth, Legolas, quickly climbed a tree and threatened to kill anyone who came within five feet of him, for he had an unusually large amount of Mary-sues' lusting after him.

"An Eleven-maid there was of old,

A shining star by day;

Her mantle was hemmed with gold,

Her shoes of silver-grey"

Sang the Mary-sues' in their perfectly melodiously sweet voices.

"That's my song!" wailed Legolas, from up in the tree.

"Marry me, Frodo, marry me!" cried Frodostalker.

"No, Frodo, marry _me_!" came the voice of Barbecuemonkeyfaceham. "I will like, smother you in like, chocolate and EAT YOU UP, you cutie!"

"Aragorn! ARAGORN!" that was K-chan trying desperately to show Aragorn the dragoon tattoo on her umm…butt.

"MY EYES! ARGHH! MY VIRGIN EYES!" Frodo screamed, covering his eyes and hiding behind a very pale, shaking Aragorn, while Sam brandished his frying pan menacingly, as the Mary-Sues' closed in on them.

"Don't worry," Gandalf said calmly, as the Mary-sues' began to speak.

"We have come to aid you in your quest-"

"3…2…1," intoned the wizard, and POOF! The Fellowship found themselves in Rivendell.

Aragorn stood up and dusted himself off, before addressing Gandalf.

"Explain, please."

"Mary-sues' usually fall into Middle-earth during the Council of Elrond. Unfortunately, they landed here at the Mines of Moria, thus disrupting the story. So, we find ourselves here again, so that the Mary-sue story can be properly uh...expressed."

"Estel?" a very confused looking Elrond hurried up to them. "What are the nine of you doing back in Rivendell? Did you not depart to Mordor many days ago?'

"So we did, Master Elrond." Was the man's reply. "I will leave Gandalf to explain things to you. Where is Arwen?"

Elrond pointed over to a pavilion, where Arwen was arguing with Glorfindel.

"I saved Frodo from the Ringwraiths!"

"No, _I_ saved Frodo from them!"

"You did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Bitch!"

"Slut!"

"Whore!"

"Well, at least I'm prettier!"

"That's it Arwen, you're going DOWN!"

*Slap! *

"Bitch-fight!" yelled Elladan and Elrohir, who were the very amused spectators of this conflict.

Elrond shook his head. 

"They've been at each others throats ever since you left." He told the Companions. 

"For the love of Elbereth, STOP SQUABBLING! Both of you saved the halfling, and I'M THE PRETTIEST!" Elrond yelled at the two bickering elves, before turning his attention back to the Fellowship.

 "Now, where were we?"

"What I am about to tell you may be a bit shocking…" Gandalf said as he led Elrond away.

"I must see to Arwen." Aragorn excused himself. "If these Mary-sues' come to Rivendell, she will be in considerably grave danger."

Boromir was busy egging on Glorfindel, who was choke-slamming Arwen-

"Give her the chair!"

The rest of the Companions glanced at each other.

"What are we to do about this?" wailed Legolas, sobbing into Gimli's shoulder. Frodo was also looking thoroughly traumatized. 

"We could give up on this quest," Suggested Pippin. "Maybe that way, the Scary-sues's might just…disappear."

"We are NOT giving up! We WILL take the RING to Mordor!" thundered Gimli. "After all…Sauron…"

The hobbits nodded in sympathy.

"I can even…I can even recite…the letter…by heart," sobbed Gimli.

"Why don't you?" suggested Frodo. "It might make you feel better."

"All right," sniffled Gimli.

"My dearest Gimli,

It has come to my attention that we have been dating for nearly fifty years now, and I finally feel that I am ready to make a commitment. Twenty years ago, you proposed to me, and I said that I would consider your proposal. I have done so, and yes, Gimli, I WILL marry you, provided that I get to wear the wedding dress. I had actually forged a Wedding Ring many, many years ago, to wear when I got married. Unfortunately, it was stolen by (that damned) Isildur, and is now in the hands of a certain Frodo Baggins. So, Gimli, my love, would you do your Sauronkins a weeny little favour and bring back the One Ring, along with your best man and the rest of your Wedding Entourage. Gandalf insists that Frodo should be the Ringbearer at the Wedding, I couldn't care less, so I agreed. I hope you don't mind. I know you were hoping that your cousin Balin would be the Ringbearer, unfortunately, he is dead. My condolences.  I must end off here, Saruman is pestering me via the Palantir, he will not stop until I agree to make him the Bridesmaid. Until we meet again, Farewell, my little Gimli-wimli, and May the Force Be With You, as Saruman so aptly puts it.

                                                                                                Yours in Evilness and Love,

                                                                                                Sauron"

Gimli blew his nose with the frilly pink hanky Legolas handed him. Legolas, whose sobs had begun to subside, started bawling again.

"That's so SAD! I was supposed to be the Best Man! I mean, Best Elf! WAAAAH!"

"There, there, Legolas," Merry and Pippin patted Legolas's shoulder consolingly

"I guess the wedding will have to be postponed," sighed Gimli, drying his eyes.

"I suppose it will," Frodo replied, looking desperately sorry for Gimli. "But we'd better consult with the rest of our Companions first."

"Umm…Mr. Frodo?" piped up Sam. "I don't think now is a good time to be doing that. Strider seems a little…preoccupied."

The six friends shifted their gaze to where Aragorn and Boromir were.

"Punch Glorfindel in the stomach, Arwen, honey! YOU GO GIRL!" Aragorn was shouting to Arwen who now had Glorfindel in a headlock. Glorfindel was pulling Arwen's hair with his left hand, and thwacking her head with his right.

"Glorfie! Give her a suplex!" Boromir frantically shouted, as Glorfindel managed to poke Arwen's eye, thus breaking free.

"By Eru," groaned Frodo, burying his head in his arms.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Frodo looked up, startled. It was Elrond, an expression of utter horror on his face.

"I guess he didn't take the news too well." said Sam.

Author notes: the song the Mary-sues sang was the Song of Nimrodel, which Legolas sang in the 1st book. I'm sorry, but the Mary-sues will have to stay in the background for a while, until, I establish the storyline. Fear not, for in about 1 or 2 chapters time, the Mary-sues will take center stage. Actually, you should be afraid. Be very afraid. Sam, Merry, Pippin and Gimli do not have any Mary-sues yet. Neither do Elrond or Glorfindel or Faramir or Celeborn or Haldir or Rúmil or Orophinor or Saruman and I could go on forever but I won't. You get the point.  Boromir Mary-sues will appear slightly later, for plot purposes. 

Mary sue count:

Legolas: 10

Aragorn: 2

Frodo: 2

Boromir: 2

Eomer: 1

Gollum: 1

Gandalf: 1

Merry:1

Plus one Evil Chick, bringing the count up to 21. Keep 'em coming people!

-Millikov


	4. I know the answer, Professor Gandalf!

The Mary-Sues' strike Back 

Chapter 3

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screeched Elrond, running around Rivendell, his purple robes flapping wildly, tiara askew, before disappearing from everyone's sight. The searched high and low for him, and found him cowering behind a statue of Elbereth.

"Calm down, Elrond, breathe," Gandalf instructed.

"MY TIARA! WHERE'S MY TIARA?"

"On your head, Mr. Elrond," Sam pointed out.

"AND MY ROBES! WHERE ARE MY PURPLE ROBES?"

"You're wearing them." Frodo replied.

"Oh…yes, of course." For a moment, Elrond seemed to have regained control of his sanity.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!"

Then again, maybe not. 

"Elrond! ELROND!" Gandalf cried, grabbing hold of the hysterical Elf-lord. "It's all right! We will find a way to rid Middle-earth of these terrible creatures, so CALM DOWN, for the Valar's sake!"

"I know what to do!" Elrond shouted, holding one finger up in the air.

"What?" chorused many voice hopefully.

"First, could Mithrandir kindly get his hands off my waist. I have vowed to be a faithful husband to Celebrían."

Gandalf was most eager to comply.

"We must…" Elrond paused for more effect. "We must summon D.M.I.B."

"D.M.I.B?" asked Pippin.

"Dead Men in Black."

"Ooooooooh."

"D.M.I.B is an elite organization of top secret agents, and Middle-earth's first, last and only line of defense." Elrond elaborated. "Although, I must admit, their last mission to retrieve Sauron's One/Wedding Ring was none too successful."

Everyone's gaze was fixed upon Gandalf and Frodo.

"What?" exclaimed Gandalf defensively. "I thought they were after Frodo. And you had a part to play in that too, summoning the flood at the river Bruinen."

"Mmm…yes, Gandalf, we believe you," Elrond replied absently. "Anyway, back to what I was saying. I believe it's worth a try. They may be able to destroy the Mary-sues'."

"Maybe. Elrond, just maybe." Gandalf said. "But slim as the chances of succeeding are, nevertheless, we must try."

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo," Elrond stretched out his palm, as Frodo walked forward and carefully placed the ring upon Elrond's hand.

"Oh, it's you again." Muttered the Ring. "Why did you have to interrupt me like that? I was in the middle of a nice long nap. Frodo has nice, comfy skin. Not like you. You're rough, and coarse, and you get everywhere. Whereas Frodo is everything soft and smooth…"

Sam looked as though he was about to murder somebody.

Elrond flicked the Ring hard with his forefinger.

"You behave, or I'll give you back to Gollum."

"All right, FINE! Take advantage of me like you always do."

Elrond held the ring in his palm and walked out onto the grounds of Rivendell, the others hurrying to keep up with him. By now, quite a huge crowd of elves had gathered, including Aragorn, Boromir, Arwen, Glorfindel, Elladan and Elrohir, owing to the fact that the Bitch-fight was now at half time, and there was a 45 minute break before the Bitch-fight resumed. They gathered in a small circle, with Elrond in the middle.

And then there was silence.

"You guys have no idea how to summon the Nazgûl, do you?" The Ring smirked.

"Uh…yes we do! I just have to remember the…the…uh...SPELL! That's right, I'm trying to remember what spell to use." Elrond replied.

"Oookay, whatever. I'll just…stay here and wait."

Meanwhile, Gandalf had moved forward and was tapping on Elrond's shoulder.

"Not now, Gandie, I'm busy!"

"But Elrond…"

"I'm BUSY!"

"Elrond…"

"FOR VALAR'S SAKE, GANDALF! I'LL LEND YOU MY TIARA LATER!"

"ELROND!" Gandalf yelled. "WHAT DOES THIS SCENARIO LOOK LIKE TO YOU?"

"Umm…people standing around Lord Elrond in a circle?" Merry ventured.

"Ooh! I know, I know!" Legolas squealed, waving his arms in the air frantically. "Professor Gandalf! TEACHER! YOO-HOO! OVER HEEEEEEREEE!"

"Yes, Mr. Greenleaf?" Gandalf said.

"Uhh…wait…I know this one…forty-six arrows and two dead orcs!"

"No…"

"Five mirrors and two tubes of lipstick?"

"No."

"Oh…I know! The pink teddy bear I bought last week?"

"No!"

"Ah…my shapely thighs?"

"NO!"

"My most glorious and radiantly swoon-worthy beauty?"  
"NO! NONONONONONONO and I say again, NO!" Gandalf roared, reaching over and thwacking Legolas's head with his Super-Wizard-Staff. 

"Well, then what does this look like?" Elrond asked, exasperated.

"THIS LOOKS LIKE A COUNCIL OF ELROND!" raged Gandalf. "AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS DURING A COUNCIL OF ELROND?"

"Uhh…no?"

"MARY-SUES' APPEAR!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" screeched Elrond, clutching his tiara and running around in circles, before scrambling up a tree.

Everyone else simply stood there, shocked, before-

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" 

Panic broke out, hysteria ensued. Legolas squealed in terror, before picking up Merry and trying to use him as shovel to dig an underground tunnel to the Undying Lands. Sam tried to stuff Frodo into his pocket. Boromir started bonking everybody with his shield. Gimli gripped Sauron's letter tightly and ran onto the roof of Elrond's house. Aragorn grabbed Arwen and they barricaded themselves in Arwen's room. 

"ESTEL! GET YOUR FILTHY RANGER HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!" screeched Elrond from up in the tree.

Glorfindel was the only one who had the sense to run to the stables to saddle Asfaloth and make ready to ride. Unfortunately, he was bonked on the head by a frenzied Boromir and rendered unconscious.  
Everybody else just ran around like headless chickens. Oh wait…headless chickens don't run around do they? 

"Oi, hobbit-lad, psst." The Ring hissed to Frodo, who was trying desperately to convince Sam that he was too big to fit into his pocket.

"No, I will not succumb to the power of the Ring!" Frodo squeezed his eyes shut and blocked his ears with grass.

"Just hear me out."

"I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALA!!!"

"I CAN HELP YOU!"

"LALALALALALA! WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!"

"I CAN SUMMON THE D.M.I.B!"

Frodo pushed Sam away and unblocked his ears, his big blue eyes going all deer-in-the-headlights.

"If it can save my friends-"

"Look kid, I ain't exactly going to be happy if a bunch of Mary-sues' invade. I wan to get back to Sauron you know. Poor guys been moping, wanting to get married for ever so long. So here's the deal: I get the Nazgûl down here, and you bring Gimli and me back to Sauron. Deal?"

"Deal." Frodo replied. "Now, what must I do?"

"Simple. Put me on your finger, and let me work the magic."

Frodo complied, slipping the Ring on his finger.

"Done." The Ring said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

"Really really."

"Really really really?"

"Really really really."

"Really really really really?"

"Jeez kid, do I look like your mother or something? Grow up. I said I'd do it, and I've done it. The Nazgûl are coming, okay? Just wait a while."

A shriek was heard.

"Ai, ai! They are coming!" wailed an elf. 

"The Ringwraiths?" Frodo asked hopefully.

"No! The Mary-sues'!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Frodo grabbed Sam and leapt into his pocket.

Author note: PLEASEpleasepleaseplease let this not get deleted. And more Mary-sues' are welcome! Just e-mail me! Two Mary-sues' per person, max. Sam and Gimli do not have Mary-sues'. Boo hoo. And yes, Penn, you can have Glorfindel, Jen/ Guinevere will be most delighted if your Mary-sue got her hands off Boromir.

-Millikov


	5. DMIB

"Where are the Mary-sues'?" Gimli asked urgently, gripping his axe.

"Five miles from the river Bruinen." Came the answer.

Gandalf placed a reassuring arm on Gimli. "No need to get worked up, Gimli, my friend."

"And pray tell why, Gandalf?"

"Because you and I never get any Mary-sues."

"And why is that?" piped up Legolas, looking very envious. Very, very envious indeed.

"Because I'm old and Gimli's ugly." Was Gandalf's reply.

Gimli looked slightly miffed. "At least I have a fiancé, and I'm just ugly, and not old and ugly. But are you sure we won't have any of these rabid dogs chasing after us?"

"Well, yes, quite certain. Although I do recall a certain story where you were paired up with a human. Her name was…Lisa? Linda? Ahh…Lina. But no matter, most Mary-sues' don't go for us two. They don't appreciate our…maturity and dignity," Gandalf murmured, picking a flea out of his beard and chucking it at Legolas. 

"BOOGIE BOOGIE!" Gandalf screamed, throwing the little bug at Legolas, who squealed in terror and ran off, ranting on about washing himself a hundred times at least.

"Yes…very mature," Gimli muttered, rather sarcastically, and walked off in search of his poor elven friend.

Meanwhile, Elrond was in his element, doing what he did best. Screaming orders at people.

"You there! Erestor! Bring the Lady Arwen to Lothlórien, and while you're at it, get Haldir and his precious Galadhrim here."

"Oi! Glorfindel! Go get those Ringwraiths! Find out what's taking them so long. No, I don't care if you bruised your head, in fact I wouldn't care if your head were decapitated, just do it, Elf!"

"Galdor, you sneaky little coward, don't try running back to the Grey Havens, but since you love running so much, run and get me Tom Bombadil. Now, yes NOW! Hup, hup hup!"

"Daddyyyy!" That was Arwen. "I wanna stay heeere with Estel!"

"Arwen, cupcake, listen to daddy…"

"No! I wanna stay heeeeereeee, daddyyyy…pwetty pwease."

"No, Arwen, you can't, sugar."

"I'm going to sulk."

"Now Arwen, daddy's going to get angry."

"I don't care! You're mean, daddy!"

"GET YOUR FAT EVENSTAR ARSE TO Lothlórien! NOW!"

"All right, all right, sheesh…grownups nowadays."

The sound of thundering hooves could be heard, as everybody looked up hopefully, thinking 'my, that Glorfindel is efficient!' But it was not the Ringwraiths. It was two thoroughly shaken men.

"Faramir!" cried Boromir, striding forward. "What in Mordor are you doing here? And…and Éomer!"

"They just appeared…appeared out of nowhere!" stammered Faramir, quaking, his pupils strangely unfocused. "Fell from the sky! Can you believe it, the sky! And they…those two women…"

"They what?"

"They…" Faramir's voice dropped to a whisper. "_they wanted to 'make out' with me…and they were going on about my…my little Faramir."_

"Make out? Little Faramir?"

"Shhh! You know…like the time we were young and spent a lot of time with those two pretty twins."

"Oh? Oh! By Eru, Faramir, my dear brother, how awful!"

"It was, it was…it was so lewd and they wanted to do it together, the three of us. My men fled in fear, and I barely escaped. And I met poor Éomer along the way. He too, encountered those evil witches."

Éomer was whimpering, cold sweat upon his brow. The rest of the elves clustered around them, and Elrond barked orders for them to be taken inside and tended to. Faramir, before being carried in by two elves, regained enough of his sanity to extract a small, hunched creature from under his cloak. 

"Gollum…gollum…"sniveled the creature. "It tries to take me away from the precious…nasty suspicious witch-woman…gollum."

"I found him clinging to my horse…" whispered Faramir, before he fainted clean away.

"Lord Faramir!" gasped one of the elves, as they bore him and Éomer away.

"Take Gollum too." Gandalf ordered. "He met one of those Mary-sues' in the Mines, and needs caring for."

The elves hurriedly complied, picking up the whimpering creature gingerly and carrying him away.

"Ai!" shouted an elf, running toward the group of them. "D.M.I.B are here, but the Mary-ses' are ahead!"

Frodo leapt out of Sam's pocket and rushed of to see, deaf to the cries of "Mr. Frodo! Wait for me!" The Mary-sues' were nancing across the river, the Ringwraiths following closely behind.

"Frodo!" cried Frodostalker, hugging Frodo. "Like, I'm here to rescue you!

"We, like, all are, HELLO!" yelled Crystaliafashiera Melisushania. "Don't try to, like, get all the attention, bitch!"

"Yeah!" cried Aragorn's Chica, mouthing the word 'sluts'.

"Like, in case you lamers haven't noticed," Fluffy Pink Bunny piped up. "there are like, a bunch of Goth-wannabes trying to get Frodo."

"We aren't stupid, so shut up, Malibu beach Barbie!" Aiwyn of the Eorlingas quipped.

"I doeth, believeth, my faireth consorts, we haveth to reciteth to spelleth to saveth Frodo." Lintehísiëiel said.

"Okay, ladies, give up the halfling, and nobody gets hurt," shouted Angmar, head Ringwraith, riding up to the edge of the river.

'If you want him, then like, bring it!" retorted Mrs. Greenleaf.

"I'm going in," muttered Angmar to his fellow D.M.I.Bers. "Cover me.

"Gotcha." Replied his compatriots.

"Knee know hit thigh clear last of death's lairs, rind of knee brew-in-nine damn it you liar." Chorused the Mary-sues', clustering around a very panicky Frodo.

Immediately, the roar of water could be heard, as a flood crashed through, sweeping the Ringwraiths away.

"I was supposed to save Frodo!" protested a forlorn Glorfindel, who raced away toward Rivendell, and moaned to Gandalf. "And they didn't even get the spell right!"

"Face it," Gandalf replies. "They're Mary-sues'. They could have said 'I love Legolas' and the spell would still work."

"By Eru." Glorfindel sighed, sliding off Asfaloth and leading it away, just as the patter of feet could be heard. The Mary-sues' were here.  
  


Author notes: How was that then? I toned down the hyperness level a little; hope it's still all right. Penn, I made your character a little extreme and very poseur, I hope you don't mind, what with that whole exaggerated old English. Yes, next chapter onwards, the spotlight is on Mary-sues'. RUN. Application still open, but I will stop taking Mary-sues' soon. Just for your information, Legolas has 15 Mary-sues', the rest of them have about 1 or 2. Sam doesn't have any. Gimli either. Elrond and Ugluk have Mary-sues'! The chant was the "Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!" thing Arwen did. Can anybody guess where Lina the pervy Gimli-fancier came from? Winner gets to create another Mary-sue. Hee.

- Millikov

Mary-Sue Status Report

Legolas: 15 (sad)

Aragorn: 2

Éomer: 2

Faramir: 2

Pippin: 2

Frodo: 2

Glorfindel: 2 (including my Mary-sue. Hee.)

Boromir: 1

Gollum: 1

Gandalf: 1

Elrond: 1

Sam: 1

Merry: 1

Ugluk: 1

Sluts/ Pervy Everyone-Fanciers: 1

Evil Mastermind: 1

Total Count: 36

Here's My Mary-Sue:

Mary-sue's name: GlorfinDoll

Mary-sue's character: Glorfindel obsessive. 

Mary-sue's object of affection: Glorfindel

Mary-sue's appearance: Badly bleached hair, glue-on plastic ears, and homemade 'elvish' outfit. Wears a cheap plastic Nenya imitation.

Mary-sue's catchphrase: Not only am I pretty, I'm also smart. Unlike most girls, I know that 1+56=Glorfindel, and that Glorfindel=mc2.


	6. Of Chaos and Commotion

The Mary-Sue's Strike Back! Chapter 6 

Rivendell was completely deserted. As the Mary-Sues' nanced in, they stopped short, and stared around. Frodo slipped on the Ring and disappeared to hide.

"Hello-o-o! Anybody home?" called Elfstalker, and the Mary-Sues' began searching for any sign of life, save for Mary-Sue of Mirkwood, who was busy reinforcing her (fake plastic) pointy ears with Elmer's Glue.

Just then, voices could be heard, as two people entered the clearing.

"I'm serious, Gimli, I think you should have a Mithril wedding ring and purple tuxedo," Legolas said, toweling dry his freshly washed hair. Gimli opened his mouth to reply, then glanced up, and froze.

"What's wrong, Gimli? Don't you like my idea? Huh? Gimli!" Legolas looked up.

"SQUEEEEE!" came the cry of half the Mary-Sues'. Some of them stopped in mid-squee and made a great act of ignoring Legolas. The elf, upon seeing the vast number of Mary-sues' bearing down on him, gave a cry of anguish and dashed off, following by a horde of rampaging Mary-sues'. 

"I touched his hair! I touched Legolas's hair!" squealed Mrs. Greenleaf.

"I'm walking on the ground Legolas walked upon!" screamed FellowshipStalker, wild with excitement. Most of the Mary-sues' who were "ignoring" Legolas gave up and they too, began chasing him. Meanwhile, various folk began emerging from their hiding places, thinking that Legolas had all the Mary-Sues' preoccupied. But they had all been…deceived. For there were more Mary-Sues', and soon, the air was filled which shrieks.

"Aragorn! I want to try and grip your sword!" (Aragorn's Chica)

"Gandalf, over here! I'm here!" (LOTROCKS Girl)

"Sam, Sam, you poor little Gamgee," (Lisa)

"Like, Frodo, like dude, like I'm here!" (Barbecuemonkeyfaceham and Frodostalker, who were pulling each other's hair in a frantic bid to reach Frodo first.)

"Merry, my love!" (Nuquernainziliel Quellepaurien)

"Pippin! There you are, my little rabid penguin of a Took!" (Crystaliafashiera Melisushania)

"No, Pippin, you, like, belong to me!" (ISEP)

"NO, ME!" (Kaelie)  
"Gimli! I will save you from these other…bad…evil…really bad women!" (Allie)

"ELROND!" called Mjskystalker. "Elrond, you're mine, MINE FORVER, DARLING!"

Elrond looked as her as if she were crazy.

"I'm _married!_ "

"That doesn't matter to me, love!"

"Well, it matters to _me!_" yelled the Elf-lord, gathering up his robes and fleeing for his life.

As pandemonium broke out, the remaining Mary-Sues' ran off the search for the objects of their affection. Lucy-Mae, however, randomly grabbed a bewildered looking elf. 

"Laike, huney, whut's your naime?"

"Umm…"

"Your naime's Umm, waaall, mah naime's Lucy Mae. You cain call me Lucy, or Mae, or Lucy Mae. Mah friends used tuh call me Crazy, whutevah thait means!"

"No, madam, my name is Elladan."

"Waaaall, tah me up and whup me with molasses, you called me Maidam!" laughed Lucy Mae, reaching out and grabbing another elf, who was trying to sneak away.

"And whut's your naime, sugah?"

"Elrohir, now kindly unhand me, woman!"

"Awww, ain't yuh a cutie!" Lucy Mae replied, clinging on to the two, rather flustered, elves. "Yuh know, mah overalls feel real taight, yuh might want tuh…loosen 'em for me, if yuh know whut I mean…"

"No, actually, we don't."

"Aw, ain't thait a pity. Waall, if yuh don't get mah meaning, I might ais wall give a laive demonstraition!" she replied, batting her eyelashes.

"No, for the love of the Valar!" Elladan cried, wrenching himself away and seizing Elrohir, pulling him away from Lucy Mae. "Come, brother, flee!"

Lucy Mae, startled, tripped and fell on her rear end, looking rather despondent, her silky, fire-red hair blowing in the wind.

"Y'all don't understaind me!" She wept, gesturing. "Y'all just don't know me!"

"We don't want to understand you," cried Elladan, running further away. "We merely want to get away from you!"

"Yuh think y'all are such hotshots!" Lucy Mae screamed. "But I cain taike y'all men on anyday! Yuh hear!"

But despite her outburst, Lucy Mae's tears immediately ceased the very instant she saw the fair elf-lord Glorfindel running past her, being pursued by GlorfinDoll and Lintehísiëiel, the latter leaving a very long trail of drool in her wake. And Lucy Mae stood up, cracked her bullwhip, and was hot on Glorfindel's heels.

"Glorfindel!" said Lintehísiëiel. "I doeth noteth liketh you, but it is my sworneth duty toeth protect thee!"

"Glor…Glorfindel…Glorfindel…" Was all GlorfinDoll could say, her eyes fixed on him.

And chaos reigned, being indeed the rightful ruler of Rivendell, presiding over the hullabaloo that took place, with elf-lords shrieking like damsels in distress, men sprinting away in terror, a dwarf scrambling up a tree (will wonders never cease?), and a poor Gollum being dragged away by a very satisfied Nikki. 

But there was one, still safe, yet untainted and preserved from the horrors of the Mary-Sue.  Boromir's shoulders sagged as he plodded away amidst the commotion, without a pursuer, with nary a Boromir Mary-Sue in sight.

And far, far away, in the tower of Isengard, Saruman handed a teacup (with a straw and umbrella, two lumps of sugar and a spot of milk) to a woman, her face shrouded, and together, their diabolical laughter echoed throughout the halls of Isengard. 

Author note: Ehh...just a small reminder that Boromir Mary-sues' appear later. How is this fic going? Tell me, please do! Feedback is most welcome! Keep sending in the 'Sues!


	7. Warriors Broken

The Mary Sues' Strike Back, Chapter 7

"So much for 'I'm old and Gimli's ugly,' Gandalf!" Gimli roared from up in the tree, trying to swat a very rabid Allie.

"How was I supposed to know?" Gandalf yelled, clinging onto his pointy had and staff, dashed past Gimli, LOTROCKS Girl close behind, demanding that he sit down and be glomped by her.

"Good Durin save us, Mithrandir, you're an ISTARI!" Gimli replied, attempting to severe Allie's head with his axe. "You've been to Valar-knows-where and back again, you even know about that strange Lina woman!"

"Well, if such a story where you have someone lusting after you can exist, why is it so unlikely that you have someone, or something, lusting after you in reality?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD AND I'M UGLY!"

"Point taken."

"Gandalf!" cried Legolas, running up to him, a whole cohort of Mary Sues' in tow. 'If being old means having significantly less Mary Sues', why is it that I have a rampaging horde of Mary Sues' when I'm several millennia old?"

"In Eru's name, stop asking me such trivial questions and run, Legolas!" Gandalf shouted, speeding away.

"Are you alright, Gimli?" Legolas asked, leading the Mary Sues' round and round the tree Gimli was in.

"Oh, yes, Master Greenleaf, I'm all right, I merely have one extremely obsessive Mary Sue whose sanity is cast under doubtful light, trying to do immoral things to me."

"I'm-glad-to-know-you're-all-right-friend-I'dbestbegoingnow!" Legolas answered frantically, zipping away.

"Elves. Immortality must have addled with their sanity," Gimli muttered, shaking his head, before concentrating his efforts into trying to decapitate Allie.

"ARAGORN!" came a loud, whiny, demanding voice. "I'M HURT!"

"Um…actually, you aren't." Aragorn responded, somewhat tentatively. "You just have your right foot in a small puddle."

"I'M DROWNING HERE!" screeched K-chan. "You're supposed to strip half-naked, dive into the river and RESCUE me!"

"But that isn't a river, it's a very, very, _very_ tiny puddle of water…"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"Oh, Aragorn, my love, forget about that nasty little whore, come with ME! And we will live shaggably ever after!" cooed Aragorn's Chica.

"Please, ladies, I beg of you, leave me alone, for the love of Luthien!" Aragorn replied desperately, backing away.

"AND WHO, MAY I ASK, IS THIS LUTHIEN SLUT?!" yelled K-chan. "IS SHE TRYING TO MOVE IN ON MY ARAGORN? HUH? WHO IS SHE?"

"Oh Aragorn!" Aragorn's Chica cut in breathily. "I don't care about this Luthien woman because I know you love me! And now, why don't you er…show me how long your sword is exactly? Hmm?" she batted her eyelashes and flicked her sleek, silvery-blonde mane behind her as Aragorn's face turned a very sickly green. 

"OI! SLUT-BITCH! GET YOUR FILTHY CLAWS OFF MY ARAGORN!"

"Pardon my intrusion," came a tentative voice.

"Boromir!" Aragorn cried, relief writ upon his face as he threw in arm around the man. "Where have you been, old friend? How's the weather?" he said, a little too heartily.

"FUCK OFF, BOROMIR!" K-chan screamed. "ARAGORN IS RESCUING ME HERE, HELLO!"

"Boromir!" Aragorn interrupted. "Why don't we go and...ah…err…have some miruvor? Er…yes, have some miruvor! Come, let us go!"

Aragorn seized Boromir's wrist and dragged him away.

"I think that we are relatively safe for now," Aragorn panted, after dragging Boromir five miles away. "Thank you for saving me there, friend."

"Anytime," Boromir replied.

Aragorn glanced around cautiously. "Boromir? Do you not have any Mary Sues'?"

"Gondor has no Mary Sues'. Gondor needs no Mary Sues'." was his curt reply. 

"Ah, the Valar have protected you from this evil," Aragorn sighed. 'I'm happy for you, Boromir, yet I cannot help but be envious."

"Yes, yes, that is good," Boromir was nodding, before collapsing onto Aragorn's shoulder. "WHY ELESSAR, WHY?" he bawled. "DOES NO ONE LIKE ME? EVEN GIMLI HAS A MARY SUE! AND GANDALF! YES, I TRIED TO TAKE THE RING FROM FRODO, BUT THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS THAT HE WAS THE RINGBEARER AND NOT I! I'D ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A RINGBEARER! I HAD LONG WISHED TO BE THE ONE TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE AT THE WEDDING WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL GOLD BAND! BUT I DESIRE THAT NO MORE! WHY DO I NOT HAVE ANYBOSY LUSTING AFTER ME? IT'S MY HIPS, IS IT NOT, ELESSAR? MY HIPS ARE TOO WIDE?"

"By Eru, Boromir! This is dear mercy! Do you see it not?" Aragorn said, startled at Boromir's outburst.

"BUT THIS MEANS THAT NOBODY LIKES ME!"

"We do, all of us, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and I. Not forgetting your father and Faramir and plenty more, I am sure, or you would not have been made Captain of the White Tower. Would you?"

"I suppose so…" sniffled Boromir.

"See?" Aragorn said consolingly. "This is nothing to be upset bout. Now dry your eyes, there's a good soldier." 

They were both startled by a sudden rustling and immediately drew their weapons, fearing that it might be a Mary Sue.

It was.

"Hello Boromir," came the sultry voice of Dealyra, clad in a tight fitting French maids outfit, complete with frilly apron and cap. "Sorry I'm late, I had some…business too attend to." She held up the severed head of the poor, deceased Lurtz the Uruk hai.

"See? Now he can't kill you."

"Boromir, my love! At last, I have found you!" Miriel Goldenhair ran up, clutching some roses, her serene blue eyes sparkling.

Aragorn slipped away as Boromir stood there dumbly, unsure if he should feel hapy that he was liked by some, or horrified that he had Mary Sues' lusting after him.

There was a brief pause as the Mary Sues' smiled and ogled at Boromir, while he stood rooted to the spot.

Finally, Dealyra could stand it no longer.

"TAKE ME, BOROMIR! JUST TAKE ME!" she shrieked, flinging herself at his feet and ripping open her outfit revealing…umm…lets keep this Pg-13, shall we?

Boromir's screams of horror could be heard all the way in Minas Tirith.

Author notes: Apologies for the acute lack of updates. My O levels are in a month's time, and I kind of screwed up my preliminary exams v.badly. (Except for the 74% in lit. Woo!) So, I have to put fanfic on hold for a while. Err…yup, that's all, nothing much else. And I'm not even going to bother with having a Mary Sue count. Just know that Legs is ahead by at least 10 miles. Poor Legs. Sucks to him. Nyahaha.

-Millikov****


	8. Victory? I Don't Think So

The Mary Sues' Strike Back

Éomer was dimly aware of his surroundings, having just woke up. The downy bed was soft and cool, he felt so comfortable, even the dull ache is his body seemed to have lessened. Where was he? Ah yes, he remembered. He was in Rivendell, with the Elves. Deciding that it was about time he woke up, it was probably near dusk.  Éomer half-opened his eyes, and found himself staring straight at a pair of baby blue irises. He had never seen eyes like those; they were so radiant, so serene, and so…blue. He seemed to have seen those eyes before. They were somehow related to why his body ached so much. Éomer fuzzily tried to make the connection. He had been in Edoras, enjoying a simple meal when…something happened. He remembered. An evil being had appeared and he had tried to escape from it, tripping and falling down a flight of stairs in the process. Yes, that was it. Ah well, seeing that it was dusk, he should just go back to sleep. He snuggled deeper under the covers and was about to drift off into deep slumber. Wait. Evil Beings. Blue eyes. The witch-woman. Éomer sat bold upright and began to register two women sitting beside his bed.

"Éomer! You're awake! Finally, my love!" cried Aiwyn of the Eorlingas, as the poor man's eyes widened in horror at the realization of the situation. And before Aiwyn knew it, Éomer had threw off the covers and bolted out of the bed, heading for the door, he was but a few paces from it, he had to escape before it was too late, yes he was opening the door now, flinging it wide open, about to leave the room-Ow!

And he smacked right into 2Sexy4MySword, who was just about to check on her beloved Éomer.

Thus began the torture of the poor Rider of Rohan.

ElfTwinLuvr had an unusual fetish for all things that came in pairs, and was hot on the heels of, yes, you guessed it, Elladan and Elrohir. The twins, were by now, feeling quite desperate, in fact, everyone was, they had been running around all day, and were beginning to tire. ElfTwinLuvr's hand reached out and she managed to grab a panting Elladan. Elrohir, seeing that his brother had been taken by the Enemy, slowed down, unsure as whether to flee or save the struggling Elladan, and the next thing he knew, he and Elladan were being enveloped in the tight embrace of ElfTwinLuvr.

"Halt!" Came the booming voice of Elrond, who came marching forward, _free from the Elrond Mary Sues'._

"Father!" cried Elrohir.

"Patience, I must speak with this…fair young lady here."

"Yeah?"

"I am afraid that, much as you admire my son's, and am sure that this feeling is reciprocated, you cannot have them." Elrond proclaimed. "Yet." He added, as an afterthought.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. You see…er…they are...betrothed. Engaged to be married."

"OMIGOD! ELLADAN! ELROHIR!" screamed ElfTwinLuvr. "You guys are like, engaged, with like, fiancés, and you so totally lead me on!" The Mary Sue, by this time, was crying profusely. "YOU LIKE, TOTALLY LEAD ME ON, AND LIKE, MAKE ME THINK THAT YOU GUYS WERE SO TOTALLY IN LUV WITH ME, AND YOU GUYS ARE LIKE ENGAGED! I, LIKE, TRUSTED YOU, GODAMMIT!"

And she slapped them both soundly on the cheek, and ran off, sobbing very melodramatically.

"Ingenious idea, father," Elrohir commented admiringly, smiling, despite the fact that his right cheek was now a bight crimson colour.

Elrond grinned. "It was Mithrandir's idea, one that was most inventive and effective. Now, come, we must go and save the others."

Which they did do, concocting the most outrageous reasons as to why the various Mary Sues' could not shag the object of their desire.

Frodo was ill and about to die, unless someone could find a cure.

Legolas had an abusive father who opposed to whatever decisions he made.

Faramir had a traumatic past and needed some time to "sort out his feelings".

Aragorn, much as he loved K-chan and Aragorn's Chica, was married to Arwen and needed to find some way to break the news that to the elf-woman he no longer loved her.

Gimli had to err…care for his sickly father. Yeah.

Boromir had bad experiences with romance and trusted no one.

Sam was cheating on his Mary Sues.

The One Ring could not love ILIKEPURDYSHINEYTHINGS until he broke up with his present fling, Nenya (This was the only truth among all the reasons given why the Mary Sues could not have whomever. Surprised? Well, Elrond was too).

And the list goes on and on. 

Finally, all were freed from the clutches on the evil Mary Sues, at least for now, for the Mary Sues' had run off to the fabled Snowy Cave in the Dark-and-Evil-Creature-Infested mountains to look for the tiny, bright yellow and orange flower with green striped which could save Frodo. Gandalf of course, told them about this legendary cure and where to find it, but was too weak to fight the evil that lurked there. 

"Gandalf, I must say, you are the wisest of us all." Elrond chuckled. "Or at least, the most creative."

"Yes well, they will be back, you realize, and we must device some means to rid Middle-earth of them before they return." Replied the Istari, grinning, flushed at his triumph (and from running around Rivendell the whole day).

Finally, amidst much chuckling and yawning, everyone, be it Human or Elf or Istari or Degenerated Stoor, retired to bad, eager for some rest.

All was quiet in Rivendell and Aragorn was dreaming of his lovely Arwen when suddenly--

Birds will sing

The grass will be green

Chicken will be good

Fluffy Pink Bunnies will be cute

And I will always love yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"What in the name of Lúthien Tinúviel is that racket?" Aragorn moaned, shuffling to the balcony to find out.

"I'm serenading Legolas with Poetry!" replied Fluffy Pink Bunny, as Mary Sues' have extremely acute hearing.

"ARAGORN! AND JUST WHO IS THIS Lúthien SLUT?!" screamed K-chan.

Aragorn groaned. The Mary Sues' had returned.

Author Notes: Yes, chapter 8. Joy. Poem was composed by Death of Ba Gook quite some time ago, when I e-mailed her about it. Will take this opportunity to bow to the lovely Pennhothwen, and she knows why.

*Bows to Penn*.

I will stop taking in Mary Sue applications when Chapter 10 is up, m'kay?

-Millikov


	9. AWARENESS

Disclaimer: Tolkien's. Not mine.

The Mary Sues' Strike Back

It was the next morning that Faramir was awoken by the cries of "FUCK OFF BOROMIR! ARAGORN IS MINE! MINE, YA HEAR!"

And

"Leave me alone, woman! For the love of the fair Arw- I mean – Lúthien, leave me be!"

But he didn't have time to pity Aragorn, for after a hasty wash up, he found himself besieged in his room by FaraMINE and some other Sue who had a rather unpronounceable name, and loved acting out skits in which she pretended that a random object was Éowyn, insulted it, and pretended to stab it mercilessly amidst cries of "Die, Éowyn, die, you whiny bee-yatch! Faramir and I, like, belong together!"

Faramir could not for the life of him imagine what Éowyn had to do with all this, he certainly had no feelings whatsoever for the Lady (yet). He was then forced to climb out of the window and shinny down a pillar in order to escape the claws of those dreaded Sues, who threatened to "glomp" him. Although he had no idea what "glomp" was, Faramir imagined it to be a rather painful ordeal. Off he went, running away from the Faramir Sues, though he felt thoroughly miserable, he took consolation in the fact that Legolas had at least 15 Legolas Sues in pursuit of their lust object, popping up everywhere, and if not for his quick reflexes, Legolas would have been caught by Lisalinda or LegoLuver or even Galadriel Greenleaf (Honestly, LegoLuver Faramir could understand, but GALADRIEL Greenleaf? Sweet Eru!), all of whom were trying to flying tackle him, whilst the rest were chasing him and screaming sweet nothings.

"Legolas! Take me to your marble palace and let's go screw!" screamed Lessgo Skrew.

"He DOES NOT live in a marble palace!" yelled Elfilicious. "He lives in CAVES! The Caves of Thranduil!" 

Legolas just ran.

Faramir could not help but snigger at the thought of the previous days events. Imagine! Legolas having an abusive father! King Thranduil being abusive was so ludicrous an idea that it was hysterical. 

In the late afternoon, several Mary-Sues were seen marching behind Sybel, who was bearing a gorgeously embroidered banner that shimmered in the morning sun, bearing the words A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S. Sybel had made it herself, she being a Mary-Sue, meaning that she was absolutely PERFECT, and could do anything.

"Awareness?" Frodo sounded out, looking mystified and wary.

"Not Awareness!" Boromancer snapped. "A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S. The Association for the Welfare, Acknowledgement and Recognition of Exceptionally Notable yet Extremely Snubbed Souls."

"Yes," came the hauntingly mesmerizing voice of Miriel Goldenhair. "I'm sick of all those girls who tell my Boromir to...to...F-off."

"And I'm tired of everyone trampling over my Gimli-wimli."  Isobel added in.

"My Gimlikins, actually," Allie muttered.

"And I'M exasperated by the lack of recognition Glorfie gets!" GlorfinDOLL declared, and Lintehísiëiel nodded emphatically.

"They don't give my Gollum enough credit!" Nikki cried out, slamming her fist against a tree.

"And the One Ring is completely ignored!" raged ILIKEPURDYSHINEYTHINGS. "I mean, it was like, the whole POINT of why the Fellowship was formed!"

"Not to mention Elladan and Elrohir!" Elftwinluvr raged. "People don't even KNOW who they are!"

"What about Gandalf?" piped up LOTROCKS Girl. "He's always ignored!"

"Or Sam?" Lisa said. "He's always the random hobbit-slave to Frodo!"

"We want to see some credit given here!"  Said Sybel. "We want these ignored folk to err…NOT be ignored! We want them to be respected! Because we love them! I'm doing this for Boromir because I love him as much as he loves me! He deserves respect!"

"I was not aware that I was in love with that Sybel." Boromir whispered to Pippin. "In fact, I loathe her quite considerably."

"We shall organize Publicity Campaigns! Spread the word about them! Write of how they came to love us!"  Dealyra was saying. "Boromir! I shall tell the world of our story!"

"Story?" Gandalf whispered to the man, who merely shrugged, then snuck away.

As the Mary-Sues made love declarations, passed around silk ribbons embroidered with A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S on them, everyone else decided that it would be wise to run-and hide.

Barricaded in his room, Elrond cringed when he heard the sound of someone knocking on the door.

"Hello! Like, anybody there? He-l-l-o-o?"

The Elf-lord contemplated using Vilya, but what good would it do? These demons would probably be immune to it. So he quietly slipped into the cupboard and waited, beads of sweat trickling down his temples.

"Ah, heck, I'll just barge-"

With a loud bang, the Mary-Sue kicked open the door and began tearing the room apart.

"Anybody home?" she asked, opening the cupboard.

"GAH!" shrieked Elrond, but there was no way he could escape.

"There you are, Elrond." Said the Mary-Sue.

The Elf heaved a sigh of relief when he saw that it was Elftwinluvr. Praise Ulmo! Unless of course, this Sue had experienced a change of lust-object.

"I'm selling lembas." She continued.

Elrond noticed a ribbon with the words A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S tied to her wrist as she held out a leaf piled with lembas. He also noticed that the lembas was made into the shape of two identical Elves (complete with pointy ears) linked together by a lembas hand, and on them someone had used icing to write the words "E" on each Elf-man. Though how the Mary-Sue had managed to obtain icing, this author does not know, she is merely the scribe relating the events as they happened.

"See?" Elftwinluvr enthusiastically thrust the lembas at him. "They're made to look like Elladan and Elrohir. I'm starting a Campaign to raise awareness about them."

Here she heaved a dreamy sigh. Elrond decided that it would be a very wise move to accept a piece of lembas, and nibbled on it, eyeing the Sue cautiously. But she merely thanked him by declaring "thank you sooooo much, my future daddy-in-law!" and planting a huge, unwelcome kiss on his cheek, before rushing out, screaming "Lembas! Get your Elladan and Elrohir lembas here!"

The A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S movement was spreading like a wildfire. Wooden Gimli figurines, Elladan and Elrohir lembas, "Glory to Glorfie!" banners draped everywhere, handkerchiefs with the words "Gollum—my precioussss!" sewn on, miniature swords with "Boromir Lives" engraved on them, fake One Rings and all manner of merchandise was soon being circulated, plastered, advertised and dolled out in Rivendell. Of course, it was an advantage for those whose Mary-Sues were involved in the A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S, because the Sues were too busy publicizing about them to stampede or pursue them. Unlike Merry, who was being drooled over by Nuquernainziliel Quellepaurien, or Frodo, who was trying to convince Barbecuemonkeyfaceham and Frodostalker that lusting over Legolas was much better. Ah yes, poor Legolas. The brunt of Mary-Sues, all of whom wanted to shag him. Or at least have a feel. One should see the way Lego's Lass ran after him, or the way Theelfboyismine serenaded him with her version of "Smelly Cat" and every Bitchney Spheres-I mean-Britney Spears song alive.

"You are aware that this is but a temporary respite, are you not, Mithrandir?" Glorfindel asked the Maia, who was swigging Miruvor lazily, and twirling his pointy hat on his staff.

"I know, Glorfindel. And I intend to enjoy this moment while it lasts." Gandalf replied, as a screaming Pippin ran past.

"Why are you not fleeing?" questioned the Elf-lord, mounting Asfaloth.

"Flee if you will, but you will not journey far before they find you, and do all manner of evil deeds to you," was Gandalf's reply.

"That what course of action should we take?" Glorfindel's voice was desperate. "I can not bear to merely sit here and await my doom!"

"Hope that Eru and the Vala will save us." Gandalf replied solemnly, standing and placing a reassuring hand on Glorfindel's shoulder. "In the meantime, recover your strength, and we will gather all we can to think of a plan."

"I suppose you are right, Mithrandir," sighed the Elf-lord, his brow furrowed. But he dismounted and sat beside Gandalf, the two drinking Miruvor and racking their brains, trying to formulate a plan.

Meanwhile, a brief commotion was caused with the arrival of-

"Haldir!" shrieked Haldir's babe. "At last!"

"Elbereth save me." Haldir muttered, before falling into darkness and despair.

"Weeh!" rejoiced Saruman, twirling around. "Everything is going according to plan!"

"Yes Saruman," came the voice of a woman. "It is. Now stop spinning around like a lunatic, sit down and have some tea. Darjeeling. Its very soothing."

Saruman obeyed, studiously picking out a cup (porcelain, white with a bluebell motif), and helping himself to tea.

"But I must congratulate you," he chuckled. "Your plan is foolproof, Evil Chick."

"Indeed."

Author note: Apologies, I had developed bad case of writers block. Mary-Sue applications will not be accepted after the next chapter.

-Millikov


	10. Evilness, UrukHai 'Sues and More Plottin...

By the end of the week, the folk in Rivendell had become considerably more fit and athletic, able to run great distances at a fast pace. Although this was one of they very few benefits of having Mary Sues stampeding and pursuing you everywhere at every minute of the day, the cons overwhelmed the pros by far. The A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S craze was dying down ever so slightly, but most of these "minor" or "ignored" canon characters could still go about their business sipping Miruvor cocktails and the like without being followed, although they did occasionally have to fend off a Mary Sue or two. 

Everybody was getting quite good at reeling of random excuses as to why they and the Mary Sue(s) couldn't "be together", especially Legolas, who spent most of his running time, the catchphrase for the time in which you were being chased by Mary Sues, thinking of such reasons. And trust me, Legolas had a lot of running time. The hobbits found that spending their running time together…er…running made things slightly more tolerable, and they had mastered the art of being able to talk and sprint without running out of breath (pardon the pun). Running with his hobbit-friends made things better for Frodo especially, since Sam had no qualms about whacking Sam-Sues and Frodo-Sues with his trusty frying pan.

A most unusual addition to the Lustees, or those being lusted after, came in the form of an Uruk-hai. Uglúk stumbled into Rivendell, looking muddier then usual, blubbering something along the lines of "Why me? Why is it Uglúk who is being hunted? Why can it not be Grishnákh or Lugdush or Snaga or some other orc?"

"Because, my dear Uglúk," purred Boobookitty, coming up behind him, "you're the most rugged and outdoorsy creature in Middle-earth. Oooh!"

"Go away!" yelled Uglúk, backing away. "Go away! I am Uglúk! I command! Go away!"

"I do SO love it when you get all domineering on me," Boobookitty sighed dreamily. "By the White Hand, I love you, Uglúk!"

"GAAH!" Uglúk screamed in terror, and fled, till at last he found Elrond, who was, of course, running.

"He-elf! Elf-man! HEEY!" yelled the orc, waving his arms to attract Elrond's attention.

"In Elbereth's name!" exclaimed the elf-lord, startled.

"Please, elf-man! Give me sanctuary!"

"My name is Elrond, orc. LORD Elrond to you." Elrond replied, still running, glancing behind to see how far away Mjskystalker was.

"I am Uglúk! I command! Please, Lord Elrond the elf-man, help me!" Uglúk shouted. "I am being stalked by some demon-woman!"

"That demon-woman is a Mary Sue, a foe more treacherous than Morgoth." Was the elf-lord's reply. "But I can not help you fight this evil. My kin and companions and I are in the same predicament as you are, and even Gandalf the Maia is powerless against the Mary Sue."

"Even so, let me stay! Please, Lord Elrond the elf-man! I am weary, and I need food and water!"

Elrond paused to consider this for a moment.

"All right, you may stay. For we must all unite against this Evil, and maybe you will be useful in defeating her…it. But you must swear never to harm any of my allies or any of my Kinfolk as long as you remain here, or my archers will not hesitate to put an arrow straight through your head."

"I swear." Uglúk answered. 

"The kitchen is but a while away. Leave your weapons here and proceed in that direction," Elrond indicated. "I must leave you now, because I see a demon-woman coming for me!"

Elrond took off just as Mjskystalker appeared.

"You! Funny looking man!" she said to Uglúk. "You like, have a really cool outfit and mask and all, and I like, totally respect you for that, but if you touch Elrond you die. He's MINE!"

With that, she ran off after Elrond, and Uglúk ran off in search of the kitchens, while Boobookitty ran after him.

"NOOOO!" screeched Saruman, dropping his nail file and grabbing the Palantir. "How could this be? My poor Uglúk, being sexually harassed by a Sue! First they kill Lurtz, now this!"

"I warned you of the consequences of letting loose the 'Sues, Saruman, and you still agreed to proceed." Evil Chick said, sitting on Saruman's throne and fingering her cocktail-umbrella adorned teacup. "Surely you aren't going to back out now?"

"No, no, of course not!" Saruman replied hastily, letting go of the Palantir and resuming the filing of his nails again.

"Good. Besides, it'll be fun, watching Ugluk squeal and nance like an Elf. Lighten up, Saruman!"

"How do you manage to be so…so…"

"Evil?'"

"Err...yes."

"It all happened one day when I was strolling along the road killing chickens, when I heard a voice calling to me. _'Evil Chick…Evil Chick…_' it said_. 'Why do you kill chickens, Evil Chick? Why can't you do something else?_' So from that they on, I decided to devote my life to NOT killing chickens."

"Really?" whispered Saruman, awed.

"No, you fecking moron." Was Evil Chicks scathing reply, as she sipped her tea. "What kind of an Istari are you anyway? I TOLD you specifically that I want two lumps of sugar and a spot of milk, not three lumps! Fix it, now!"

Saruman sulkily took the teacup, dumped the tea out the window before proceeding to make more tea for Evil Chick, grumpily muttering about how he "at least remembered to put in the umbrella."                                                        

Evil Chick smirked. "I'm Evil. Sue me."

"So what Crystaliafashiera Melisushania said is that ISEP said that she heard Patty Took say to Alinagawathawen that she heard Beautiful Mary Sue say that Legolas said that Elves are better looking than hobbits and men and dwarves!" Kaelie whispered to Princess Beauty, both being Hobbit-lusters.

"NO!" replied Princess Beauty, looking shocked.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Scandalous!" the two chorused.

"How dare he! " Princess Beauty raged. "Pippin is definitely better looking than any Elf. Cuter too."**  
**"Spread the word around," Kaelie told her. "We hobbit-lovers have a bone to pick with these elf-lovers. While you're at it, like, get the humans and dwarf-lovers too."

"Right."

Legolas and Pippin watched from a distance, smirking.

"Excellent plan, Pippin," Legolas said. "Soon they will be too busy fighting each other to bother about us."

"Thank you, Legolas," replied the hobbit. "But I think we'd best go tell the others before celebrating."

"I suppose. Come, let us go," said Legolas. "and by the way, Pippin, I AM better looking than you are."

"You are NOT!"

"Yes I AM!"

"Howeth dareth youeth sayest that Hobbits and Men and Dwarves areth better than Elves!" Lintehísiëiel shouted, glaring, and gripping the broadsword that she suddenly had with her.

"Yes THEY ARE!" Nibingristieth screeched. 'Well, men, at least."

"No, dwarves are the best looking of all!" Allie yelled.

"No, hobbits!" Barbecuemonkeyfaceham insisted. "Hobbits are, like, sooooo gorgeous!"

"No, Elves!" said Riona Sakura Delliella Flowertiara Sparklyeyes Flibbertigibbit Taori Kasumi Silkyhair  
And on and on the quarrel went, until Mary Sue of Mirkwood broke Isobel's nail.

"That's it bitch!" Isobel shrieked. "I am SO going to rip you apart."

"Try me, you…bitchier bitch!"

"Tell me, Mithrandir," Boromir said, as the Lustees watched from a distance. "What are the origins of these Mary Sues?"

"Fanfiction," muttered the Wizard, as Gollum and Ugluk ran past, their 'Sues were not involved in the conflict.

"What?" Merry asked. "What's that?"

"Ignorance is bliss, Merry," Gandalf replied. "I think it's best if you didn't know."

"No, tell us Gandalf," Éomer persisted. "what is fanfiction?"

"Well, some of it, if not entirely accurate, are well-done stories of Middle-earth and its folk, written by others who exist a long time after we pass away. And then there are some pieces of fanfiction which are…traumatizing."

"Gandalf," laughed Frodo. "How bad can a story be?"

"Alas, I have no desire to tell you of the dangers of bad fanfiction. But if you do want to know, I suggest that one of you go and ask the Mary Sues."

All heads turned to Legolas.

"No. No, in Eru's name, I will not willingly approach these creatures. No, no, no…"

Author notes: Hah! The folk of Middle-earth find out about fanfic or rather, badfic in the next chappie, so keep a look out for that. No more Mary Sue applications, sending them to me will be futile, I will consider them null and void.


	11. Badfic, in all its Canon Mutilating Glor...

Folks, this fic is PG-13 for a good reason. This is it. If you aren't comfortable with slash, implied or otherwise, (Hey, s'a chapter on badfic, it's inevitable!), or the like, I would suggest that you skip this chapter. Or not. Heh.

The Mary Sues' Strike Back

"Why?" Moaned Legolas as he treaded morosely across the lawns. "Why, for the love of Elbereth, must I be so accursed?" 

"Because most of the 'Sues love you. Or lust after you, whichever you choose to believe," was Boromir's firm reply as Glorfindel and him marched the elf forward in search of the Legolas 'Sues. Gimli followed, glancing anxiously at his gloomy friend.

"But they will be too caught up with chasing me or trying to tear my clothes off to listen to my queries!" Legolas protested feebly. 

"Try." Glorfindel's tone was slightly more sympathetic, and Boromir patted the elf consolingly. "Remember, this is for the sake of finding out as much knowledge as we can of these fell creatures."

"Why must it be me who has to go? Why can it not be you?" argued the Prince of Mirkwood.

"We voted, and you were chosen. You cannot argue with that." 

"Why?" Legolas resumed his bemoaning. "WHY?"

As they approached the clearing where the 'Sues were tending to their war wounds, such as chipped nails and split-ends, Legolas froze.

"Go on!" Glorfindel urged, giving him a gentle shove.

"'Twill be over before you know it." Gimli added in encouragingly. "And we will be watching to ensure that you do not get trampled over or…taken advantage of."

"I'm will not go." Legolas muttered. "I refuse."

"For Eru's sake!" Boromir whispered, throwing his arms exasperatedly into the air. "Do you have some other plan then?"

A pause.

"As a matter of fact, Boromir of Gondor, I do." Legolas finally answered, a triumphant note in his voice. "But we need to search for a pair of scissors. Come!"

And the elf took off in the direction from whence they came, his companions scrambling to keep up with him.

"You now hold a pair of scissors in your hands, Master Elf," Gimli said. "What do you plan to do with them?"

"Watch." Was the elf's reply, trying to sound confident.

So they did. 

"Ooooh! I think Glorfindel is like, so TOTALLY dreamy!" came the giggly, bubbly voice of Lintehísiëiel, who was, for once, not mutilating the English language with her "Doeth's" and "Loveth's". Or Westron, to be more accurate, seeing as how English is not spoken in Middle-earth. 

Legolas quickly grabbed a few strands of Glorfindel's hair and snipped them off.

"Wha—" Glorfindel started to protest.

"Be quiet!" Boromir clamped his hand over the Elf's mouth. "Hide! Hurry!"

The four of them quickly scrambled behind a thicket.

"Whom is she talking to? I do not see anyone else in sight!" Gimli whispered.

"A frog."

'What?!"

"Shh!"

"She is talking to a frog." Boromir explained.

"How?"

"I know not. But she is, and the frog is croaking back in response."

"These 'Sues are either deranged or have some strange power." Gimli muttered to himself. "Where are you going, Legolas?"

For the elf, looking rather apprehensive had risen and stepped forward.

"Um…greetings." He said hesitantly. "Your name is err…Lintehsissy, is it not?"

"Lintehísiëiel!"

"Ah. Apologies, Linteh…um…lady."

"Whateth iseth it you wanteth, nobleth elf?" She asked, folding her arms across her chest and looking very haughty indeed.

"Umm—"

"Noeth, I ameth sorry, Legolas, buteth my hearteth is with Glorfindel, and I onlyeth loveth you as a friendeth." She said, striking a dramatic, soap-opera worthy pose.

Boromir, Gimli and Glorfindel tried very hard no to snicker as they observed the little drama unfolding.

"That is very…interesting, I am sure, but that I not why I am here, Linthe…Linthi…lady."

"Oh." She quickly crossed her arms again and stared at him aloofly. "Than whateth iseth it you wanteth? I willeth gladly accompanyeth the Fellowship to Mordor foreth Glorfindel, my valiant elf-lord. Lord-_eth_, I mean..er..eth"

"No…I would like to ask you what 'fanfiction' is."

"Whyeth should I telleth youeth?"

"Because I have a lock of Glorfindel's hair, which I will gladly give to you if you tell me what this 'fanfiction' is."

"OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!" she squealed, and ran off. "I will, like, be so here before you can say Malibu Beach Barbie!" she called over her shoulder.

"Err…Malibu…beach…Bar…barbie?"

"I'm back!" Lintehísiëiel announced, holding a stack of paper. "I mean, like, I am backeth."

"Many thanks." Legolas took the stack of paper and handed her the lock of hair.

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!" the 'Sue squealed, grabbing the hair and immediately swooned to the ground. Very gracefully too, I might add.

"Let us go before she awakes!" Glorfindel rose and the four of them hastily departed to where their companions were waiting.

"You have returned alive and unscathed, so I see," Gandalf commented. "I am impressed. But do not say I did not warn you."

Legolas, Boromir, Glorfindel and Gimli distributed the papers to all the members of the party, save for Gandalf, who refused, and the group peered at them curiously.

_My Heart will go on by Riona Sakura Delliella Flowertiara Sparklyeyes Flibbertigibbit Taori Kasumi Silkyhair__  
__There was once a gurl named Layla Moonlight Morningstar. She is a very swet person.she does ace in klass. But she wuz very lonely. And she always thought about legolas (an I think he is very hott!) in her free tim. She had all the orli mags and had loads of legolas and orli posters in her rom. How I wish legolas is mine. I said to erself.  But one day, a very special thing happened & she woke up to find dat she is in the middle-earth. Oh wow this canot be real she said to herself.  & she thought it was very luck that she is  carrying her weapons with her. She had a bow and arrow. & sword.  I new kung-fu & is a black balt and very good weapon fighter. She is also a ver good singer &  does ballet. _

"WHAT?! In the name of Nienna!" Legolas eyes bulged as he read that opening paragraph. "And who is this "Orli"? What does he have to do with me?"

"Read on." Gandalf grinned (slightly evilly), lighting his pipe. 

Legolas skipped a few paragraphs and continued to read.

_Oh wow legolas, I luv u so mch and this canot be real. Said layla. She is wearing a pretty grayish/silverfish/whitish/blueish dress with loads of sparkly jewels &  it glowed in the moon. And I looked like the most beautifl woman in the world in thet dreaa. I love utoo layla moonlight porningtstar. Legolas .said. & he kissed me. & she kiseed him back. & they were very happy.  And he sang 2 her._

_Every night in my dreams I see you I feel you that is how I noe u go on (an sorri pplz, but I 4got the lyrics is that song from titanic & dontu think leonado dicapris is hot but not as hott as orli!!!!!!!!! ::swoonswoonswoon:: Aniwaay, back to the story!!! Hee hee hee!!) & my heart wil go on an on._

& they kissed nad legolas said marry me and I said yes &

And Legolas nearly died from horror. Haldir peered curiously at the traumatized expression on the elf's face and began to read his piece of paper.

_"NO! Haldir Help me!" creamed Lothloriwen as Celeborn tore away her clothing with a evil grin._

"How dare this girl write such a…a…blasphemous atrocity!" fumed the elf, tearing the paper into shreds viciously, before throwing them on the ground. The normally even-tempered Marchwarden of the Galadhrim began to stamp on the paper, using his feet to grind them into the dirt.

_'Merry, I have to most wonderful news to tell you!" said Pippin. "Because of you, I've become pregna-"_

"Umm, I don't think I will read on." Merry dropped the document as if it were a bloodied orc head and ran a distance away to retch.

"Mine is a piece of poetry!" Faramir announced, thinking that maybe poetry would be…easier on his system, seeing as how poetry was not lewd. But what he did not know was that while poetry may not be lewd, it could be something like this:

_Faramir my prince by Farabemine__   
His hair so fair   
So fares his mare   
HE do walk with quick a step   
And he sings and claps.   
Valiant is he, for he must be   
The Prince of Gondor, for all to see   
Faramir, so masculine   
Strong is he and also so lean   
And mean he seems   
Kind is he, but not as he seems   
(which is mean! LOL!!!)   
Though he wears not jeans. _

Or even like the one Gimli read, which made Tom Bombadil seem like Tennyson. 

Gimli Sux! By Circe   
_ Gimli sux   
Gimli sux   
Gimli is a little fuck   
Gimli sux   
Gimli sux   
Gimli should go screw a duck _

Among other horrific little anecdotes, and long-winded soap opera scripts, there was also the particularly memorable one Glorfindel read.

_Would you be my Boyfriend by __Linagasilowen__  
__ Glorfindel found that he was now deeply attracted to __Uglúk__ more so then he could ever fathom. All toughts of Aragorn fly out of the window as he gaze depthly into __Uglúks__ limpid soulful eye and found that the orc felt the same ways too.   
Uglúk,' he whispered grasp orc hand tenderly.   
  
_And who could ever forget this? __

_Tearin' Up my Heart by Ilovethefellowship_

"I am your long lost daughter, Elrod." Said Jadis Jezebel Alanmantreidlen Beelzebub Chun-li Elfmaiden. Her long hair rippled behind her back is streaks of golden,with some black in it, and her eyes sparkled green when she was happy, vioket when she wa angry. They changed colour everytime she felt something, but she did nnot know what color it changed to when she was in love, because she did not love anybody. And she could talk to animals. She spent a long time roaming Center-earth and had a dragon and unicorn with her, she could also change into a centaur when she wanted to.  "you remember my mother, Galadriearwen, you loved her then you left her. She is dead."

"Can it be?" Elrod gasped, for he had grown old and feeble. "Daughter!"

And he hugged her and cried. Arrwyn Untomill was watching and she rushed in and slapped Jadis.

"She is not your daughter fateher! I am!" screamed Arrwyn

Aragorn, coincidentally, happened to be reading "Part Two" of that story.

_Tearin Up my Heart 2 by Ilovethefellowship   
"I love you Jadis,' aragon said.  
"I love you too." And Jadis eyes sparkled rainbow-coloured because she was in love.   
"Your eyes are so beautiful. So are you."   
"You too,' she replied. "Noone has ever called me beautiful before." _

"Because you are not!" Arrwyn screamed and came in with a dagger. She tried to get to Jadis and stab her, but Aragorn saw her first and stabed her with his big sword Nasal, which used to be broken but the elfs used magic to make it back again. 

"I hate you both." Arrwyn scrammed. And then she died.

Frodo, however, thought that he had found a good story. Alas! He had no idea how mistaken he was.

_Forver in Love by Barbecuemonkeyfaceham__   
They had been walking in mordoe for a long time now. Frodo was tired.   
'Here Mr Frodo get some rest.' Said Sam.   
'Thank you SAam."_

Frodo continued to read on, thinking that 'fanfiction' that spoke of his friendship with Sam could not be too bad, Sam peeping over his shoulder inquisitively, and reading ahead of his friend.   
  
_Sam hugged Frodo and stroked his hand and blushed.   
'Do not be shy , Sam.' Frodo said, his gaze was intense.  And he kissed Sam deeply.  
_   
"No, Mister Frodo! Don't read it!" Sam quickly covered Frodo's eyes and felt himself going scarlet from embarrassment.  
  
"Don't be silly, Sam," Frodo rebuffed him, having not yet read that extract, and glanced at the paper again. Frodo's eyes suddenly widened with shock, his face paling and he sank to the floor in a dead faint. Sam and Éomer quickly grabbed hold of the hobbit before he hit the ground, and sat him gently against a tree stump. Sam picked up the discarded piece of paper, and he ventured a peep at it.

_Smeagol saw Sam and Frodo going at it like wild animals and interfered with himself._

And Sam too, slumped to the ground in a dead faint.

Author note: What can I say? This chapter was very difficult (yet very fun) to write, as both a writer and a Tolkien Fan, because I had to mutilate the English language, and Tolkien's characters (especially Gimli. *bows in apology to Gimli*). But this is listed under parody for a good reason. And if you know your pop music well enough, you'd realize that all of the titles for the MS badfics come from pop songs. I actually had to go through the torture of looking up "Backstreet Boys" and "N sync" in Kazaa to find those titles. *shudders* Now that was traumatic.

-Millikov.


	12. The Tragedy and Fall of the Mary Sue Sor...

Disclaimer: Not mine. Tolkien's.  
  
The Mary Sues' Strike Back! Chapter 11:  
  


The Tragedy and Fall of the Mary Sue. Sort of.

  
"I, for one, have seen enough!" Boromir crumpled up a badfic in which he err...spanked Éomer into as small a wad as possible, and tossed it away.  
  
By now, every one of them were either fuming, or feeling nauseous, or both. Frodo and Sam, both looking pale, were being given some Miruvor to drink, while Gandalf was patting Merry comfortingly as he vomited. Haldir was still stomping his badfic into the ground, screaming "Elbereth curse you!" every time his feet hit the paper, which was already torn and half buried in the dirt. Gimli was the very epitome of anger, his jaw clenched, and his hands clenched the badfic so tightly that his knuckles were white, as he shred the paper again, and again, and again. Even when there was nothing left to shred, he was still tearing it up.  
  
"I want revenge!" Uglúk declared. "I am Uglúk! I command!"  
  
He eyed Glorfindel uneasily, and they edged away from each other. Glorfindel eyed Aragorn uneasily, and _they_ edged away from each other too.  
  
Sméagol rocked himself and whimpered. "We hates it, precious! We hates them! We wants them out of our head! Get it out, preciouss!"  
  
"What did he read?" Pippin whispered to Elladan.  
  
"Something about Lady Galadriel…erm…conceiving a child because of Gandalf." The elf whispered awkwardly, shuddering.  
  
"You mean they…" Pippin frowned. "Oh!" he cried, suddenly understanding, clapping a hand over his mouth as his eyes widened in horror.   
  
"Legolas?" Elrohir ventured, looking at the Prince's face. Legolas was standing perfectly still, his face had a ghastly shade of grey, and a blank look was upon it.  
  
"Legolas!" Elrond strode over and shook the elf briskly.  
  
"Wha--?" Legolas blinked. "Oh, it is you, Lord Elrond. I had a most horrible thought, in which there were all manner of 'Sues doing all manner of indecent things to me!"   
  
He stopped to survey the scene before him, and looked down at the sheaf of papers clutched in his hand.  
  
"You mean it wasn't my imagination?" he whispered hoarsely. Elrond said nothing. "You mean there are people who would write such things about me? Even the ones about…" He stopped.  
  
"About what?" Merry looked up, from where he had finished throwing up.  
  
"About…." Legolas swallowed.  
  
"About what?" Merry persisted.  
  
"About…" the elf gulped. "Aboutaragornandi."  
  
"What?" several of them chorused.  
  
"About Aragorn and I, all right! There! I have said it, and it is here!" Legolas yelled, brandishing the stack of paper, and most of his companions started, surprised to witness such a rare outburst from an elf. "All blasphemy! Lies! Untruths! Sacrilege!"  
  
The elf glowered in silence for several seconds, then suddenly his head jerked up. There was a glint of madness in his eyes.  
  
"I have it! We too shall write such manner of 'fanfiction'!" He cried. "We will write of the evils of the Mary Sue!" There was deathly silence for a while, before his companions started nodding their heads slowly.  
  
"Excellent idea, Legolas!" Faramir applauded him.  
  
"I am not so sure, Gandalf." Elrond whispered to the Istari.  
  
"It will be fine, Elrond." The Grey Wizard replied. "They will be all right. They merely need to vent out their anger and outrage. And so do we."  
  
"True."  
  
_The Tragedy and Fall of the Mary Sue _   
  
"Care to do the honours, Legolas?" Elrond asked, after he had written the title in his flowing Elven script.  
  
"Gladly, Lord Elrond," Was the reply.  
  
  
  
_ As told in the lore of old, there was Eru, The One, who created the Immortal and Mortal. And Morgoth of the Ainur who saw the Eldar that walked the earth Eru had made, for men had not yet awoken, was filled with a black jealousy, for he too desired such power and skill._  
  
"Come now, Master Elf, Morgoth is not so evil a being," Gimli protested.   
  
"You have been influenced too much by Sauron, I should think, Gimli." Legolas replied absently, scribbling words onto the parchment.  
  
"Morgoth helped Sauron greatly, I'll have you know!" Gimli protested. "Have you not heard of how Morgoth taught Sauron how to give people noogies?"  
  
_Morgoth endeavoring to create a race, thought in his arrogance that he could create one that far surpassed the beauty of the Elves. Thus in the depths of his fortress he pondered and worked, till he had created the First of such a race. And he named her after Eru's second cousin twice removed (who had been banished and written out of history for roasting marshmallows over the Flame Imperishable), Mary Sue. But alas for Melkor, none could be as Great or as Wise or as powerful as Eru, for he was The One. His skill was not as great as that of Eru's (and it must be remembered that it was Eru who created him), he knew not how to give proper life and substance to the creature named Mary Sue, and because of this Mary Sue turned was made to be a retarded and witless waif. Thus Melkor left her to rot as time rolled on, and devoted himself to his other hobbies, such as knitting, rearing orcs, and trying to take over the world._   
  
"Sauron is going to kill you for sprouting blasphemous nonsense." Gimli told his friend. "Knitting, yes. Rearing orcs, yes. But creating the Mary Sue?! He is going to kill you for saying such things about Morgoth."  
  
"He can't." Legolas replied calmly. "I'm the Best Elf."  
  
"And might I remind you that Lord Aulë created dwarves," Gimli pointed out. "And look how we turned out."  
  
"Short and ug—" Uglúk began, but stopped when he found that everyone was glaring at him. "Um…ug… Uglúk, I am Uglúk. I command?"  
  
Legolas shot the orc a rather scathing look. "Would anyone else care to attempt a paragraph or two?" he waved the quill around.  
  
Uglúk's dirt encrusted hand shot out as he snatched the quill from Legolas.  
  
_I am Uglúk. I command. I am Uglúk. I command. I am Uglú—_  
  
"No no no!" Glorfindel grabbed the quill. "Yrch," he muttered, sighing.  
  
_And Mary Sue was content to dwell in the depth of Morgoth's fortress, for she was of little wit and thus was content with what little she had. And in the darkest reaches she grew filthy and no one, orc or Balrog or goblin, would dare to venture down for fear to the putrid stench that reeked, caused by Mary Sue, covered in filth and grime. But it so happened that even Mary Sue grew weary of stagnating in Angband, and throwing a tantrum, she sulked and pouted and wept futile tears of brattishness. And slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, the wheels in Mary Sue's head began their rusty cycles. And to the bewilderment of all who beheld her loathsome face, she pranced up to Morgoth's hall._   
  
"My turn," Boromir stretched out his hand, and Glorfindel placed the quill in it.  
  
_ Where it so happened that Lúthien Tinúviel was dancing and weaving her enchantments, that she might lure Morgoth to sleep and thus aid Beren in wresting a Silmaril from Morgoth's crown. There Mary Sue beheld the radiance and beauty of Lúthien, and she realized how foul and ugly she was. Malice and darkness grew in her already unpleasant mind, and she desired to posses the fairness of Lúthien. And because all in the fortress were under an enchanted slumber, she stomped angrily on the ground and ran out, out, and far away 'cross the lands of Middle-earth. No one, man or beast or servant of Morgoth, dared touch her, for she exuded an unbearable stench, and was horrific to look upon. _   
  
And on it went, how Mary Sue invented the Nance, how she grew in malice and degenerated to a state of even eviller evil, changing herself into one that seemed falsely fair, how she did the most stupid thing in attempting to seduce Thingol, and thus had her eyeballs scratched out by Melian, how she stumbled off blindly and was carried off to the highest, coldest mountains by the eagles at the order of a very peeved Manwë, who honestly did not like it when bratty little halfwits tried to upstage Thingol and Melian.   
  
Meanwhile, in Mordor, Sauron was throwing what is known as a hissyfit.   
  
"No, I want my wedding dress to be in PALE cream. PALE cream! This is bright cream! And why is there lace? I am a MAIA! I can not wear lace!" he shouted in what was really not a very manly way. "Oh dear oh dear oh dear…" he moaned, looking at the half done veil, the burnt wedding cake, and the wilted flowers. Not to mention the fact that…horror of horrors! The wedding invitations were a nasty pink and orange colour!  
  
"And not to mention the fact that the orchestra can not play instruments to save their puny lives," Sauron moaned, massaging his temples. "And why isn't Gimlikins here yet? Gimlikins always knows what to do!" wailed Sauron, staring morosely at his rumpled, bright-cream coloured, lacy wedding dress.   
  
"Hey Dong Dillo! Here comes Tom Bombadillo!" A voice rang out.   
  
"Tom Bombadil!" Sam looked up from where he had been writing about how the hobbits of the Shire had put no less than ten arrows into Mary Sue's body, and threw down the quill.  
  
"Indeed." Gandalf smiled. "Maybe, maybe things are starting to look up." And true enough; it was Tom Bombadil, riding up on his mount, a very harried (but pleased) Galdor beside him on his elf-horse.  
  
"Hey, like, who's the fashion disaster?" Nibingristieth walked up and gestured to Tom Bombadil. "Like, call the fashion police! Arrest him, helloo-o!"  
  
And Tom Bombadil took one look at the swarm of Mary Sues scattered about in Imladris, and--  
  
"Hey Dong Dill! Off goes Tom Bombadil!" 

Author Notes: Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending), only...erm one Mary Sue made it into his chapter. Ah well, there'll be more in the next. For those whose 'Sues haven't made it in yet, patience! I've recieved all your applications. I _might_ (and I stress, _might_) decide to take in more applications at say...chapter 15? But I haven't quite decided yet.   
-Millikov 


	13. Enter Éowyn, Ents, and Even Eru

_Thanks for Indulging in my Laziness and Proofreading, Killy. You're a dear._  
  
  
  


Enter Éowyn, Ents, and Even Eru.

  
Éowyn had arrived.   
  
And boy, _did_ she arrive.  
  
Perched atop Treebeard, the Shieldmaiden of Rohan could not help but grin as Treebeard, several other Ents and one fiery tempered steed rumbled and hoomed (or in the horse's case, whinnied and trotted) their way into Rivendell.   
  
With a final hoom and a barroom, Treebeard thumped his seven-toed right foot down in front of Gandalf and set Eowyn on the ground.   
  
"Treebeard," Gandalf acknowledged mildly, not looking the least bit perturbed to see a fourteen-foot tall…Tall…TALL… tree herder standing in front of him.   
  
"Hrum, Mithrandir." Came a deep, guttural sound from the Ent's throat.   
  
"Éowyn?" Éomer peeked out from the tree he was hiding from Aiwyn and 2sexy4mysword. "Éowyn!" he cried joyfully, clambering down the branches.   
  
Éowyn growled and snapped at Aiwyn (or Aine, as she insisted on being called) and 2sexy4mysword (Tooseksay), and they backed down, hissing, and the Lady turned her attention back to Éomer and embraced him.   
  
"Brother," she sighed in relief. "It soothes my heart to see you alive and well."   
  
"Alive yes, but not well, Éowyn," Éomer replied, trying to keep his moroseness-level to a minimum in a valiant effort to appear brave in front of his sister.   
  
"Hrum, baroom." Treebeard surveyed Rivendell. "So much haste, too much haste. Patience, patience, all in good time. Haste never did anyone much good. All in good time."   
  
He eyed the Gandalf 'Sues, Circe and LOTROCKS Girl. The A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S program had been so thorough that everything –and I mean everything, from rock to flower to ant- had been adorned with or given some A.W.A.R.E.N.E.S.S banner of some sort. So the 'Sues had reverted back to stampeding, and the hormones hung in the air so densely that one could fire an arrow and practically hear the hormones splicing or moving out of the way.   
  
"I desire to confer in private with Mithrandir, if you please little ones. I have things I would like to discuss with him, but I do not wish to say them in front of you.'   
  
"Oh, right. Like…a private conference. About the Ring! Ooops, I didn't say that!" said Circe, and she and LOTROCKS Girl left, winking at Mithrandir conspiratorially (and lustfully.)   
  
"And who are these?" Gandalf indicated the Ents behind Treebeard.   
  
"Hoom, you are too hasty Mithrandir. You wizards are all so rash, rushing about. Radagast is far by the least hasty among all of you, but even so that is not saying much. This is Bregalad; Quickbeam in your tongue, because it is known that having two names is always better that having one, hmm. Quickbeam, too quick for his own good and it has not helped him much or served him well. More care, less haste! we Ents like to say. That one his Skinbark, right and properly cautious he is, slow and steady. The other is called Longlimb, another fine Ent – hoom - very patient and thoughtful, always thinking, rarum."   
  
"Pleased to meet you." Gandalf nodded and smiled at the Ents, before opening his mouth to ask Treebeard something else. But he thought the better of it and turned to Éowyn instead.   
  
"Lady," he said.   
  
"Gandalf." She replied.   
  
"Would you mind telling me how you and the Ents came to be here?"   
  
"Oh. Yes, gladly. After those…those…foul…women had attacked Éomer," Éowyn recounted, her face reddening slightly in anger, "Edoras was thrown into disarray and Éomer rode off in haste in order to rid Edoras of the…the…"   
  
"Mary Sues." Gandalf supplied.   
  
"Hoom." Treebeard hoomed.  
  
"Is that what they are called? Very well then. These _Mary Sues_," And here Éowyn's voice was saturated with fury and contempt, her right hand gripping her sword hilt. "Before my brother rode off, he had shouted to that he was going to Lórien to seek help, for the Rohirrim seemed powerless against the _Mary Sues_. In that desperate hour I saddled the fastest horse I could find, Shadowfax," she pointed to the horse, which was stamping his hooves on the ground restlessly. ("Ooh, pretty pretty _mearas_. Nice horsie-horse." Gandalf muttered under his breath, his eyes growing slightly bigger.) "And I rode off in search of aid, for I feared for my brother's wellbeing. And when I grew weary because – Éowyn muttered something that sounded oddly like 'my behind was sore from all the times the stupid horse threw me off' – I stopped at the edge of Fangorn forest to rest. While I was quenching my thirst by the river Entwash, I heard odd noises in the forest and wandered in to investigate. There I chanced upon Treebeard and in my despair I explained my plight and pleaded with him to help us. After a _four-day long_ conference," Éowyn threw Treebeard a **look**.  
  
"Entmoot," he corrected her calmly, oblivious to her **look**.  
  
"He agreed to gather several of his Ents to help us. We journeyed to Lorien, but all we received in response was a message from Galadriel." Éowyn produced a piece of parchment, which read:  
  
_I have sent Éomer to Rivendell to seek help from Elrond.   
Tata.   
Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Woods.  
P.S Celeborn says to tell anyone else who comes to Lórien to bugger off, we're sick of pesky little Gondorians and Rohirrim trying to prance into Lothlórien like they own it.  
P.P.S Enclosed is a map with directions to Imladris. Compass not included._  
  
"And so we came to Rivendell." She concluded, before hissing and spitting at the Éomer 'Sues, who had decided to try their luck again, and slumped away in defeat (for now.) Alas, they did not realise that One should know better than to try and hit on a Shieldmaiden's Older Brother, for she is Vicious and Highly Protective. "What Gondorians, pray tell Éomer?" Éowyn asked curiously.  
  
"Oh, Faramir and Boromir." Eomer replied. "Lo! There is Faramir now. Faramir!" he cried, raising his arm to catch his attention and beckoning him.  
  
Faramir ran toward them, and Treebeard and Skinbark did their bit by warding off the Faramir 'Sues, FaraMINE, Nibingristieth and Farabemine with an especially fierce string of Hoom-ramboom-dahrar-rarum's.  
  
"This is my sister Éowyn." Eomer did the introductions. "Éowyn, Faramir."  
  
"Greetings, sire," Éowyn smiled.  
  
"Rfnsgssfhm," Faramir replied, staring at Éowyn as if she was Elbereth and Lúthien and Galadriel all rolled together into one slender (and rather hardy) frame.  
  
"Lord Faramir?" Éowyn peered closely at him. "Are you unwell?"  
  
"Grbfsndhgsnsf." He replied, his face a redder shade than red. "Gnsff."

  
And on the other side of Rivendell was a rather odd 'Sue named WarriorChickBabeDude who was searching desperately for her love Isildur, not realising that he had conked out more than three millennia ago and that his decomposing body was six feet under the ground. Alongside her was yet another oddity named Woodelf193, who, besides lusting after Elrohir, had a weird fetish for a non-existent elf named "Hadlir".

  
Saruman and Evil Chick were enjoying a spot of tea (with umbrellas, of course) and playing their two hundredth and fifty sixth game of Go Fish! (Saruman always wondered why it was called Go Fish! Why not Quack Duck! Or Run Dog!), when the Palantír…did something.  
  
"Saruman." Came a voice. Saruman looked up. And then he saw him.  
  
"Ooh, Sauron! My Undeniably Ultimate Lord! How nice of you to…give me a call! Aheh. Anything you want?" he babbled, flustered.   
  
"Well as a matter of fact, yes, Curunír." Sauron replied rather anxiously.  
  
"Anything for you, Most Exceptionally Evil Emperor," Saruman's brain leapt into action, frantically working the Cogs of Alliteration.   
  
"Do help me find out when my Gimlikins is coming, will you? Maybe dispatch someone to speed him up a bit."  
  
"Gimli? Gimli who? What Gimli? Oh, _Gimli!_ That Fabulously Fine Fiancé of yours! Yes, of course! I will! Byeee!"  
  
Evil Chick rolled her eyes. "Arse-kisser." She said scathingly to Saruman (the alliterations were getting to her too, like it or not. Alliterations are Infectious, mind you. Alliterationitis is the term for it.). "Butt-licker."  
  
"Eh? Whossat?" Sauron asked curiously.  
  
"Oh, nobody! Nothing, My Most Malevolently, Marvellously Magnificent Master!" The words hurriedly flew out of Saruman's mouth and alliterated their way via Palantír to Sauron.   
  
"Don't lie Curunír, you cheating chump. You're a failure at fraud." Sauron's eyes narrowed and his voice grew distinctly dangerous. (See what I mean about Alliterationitis being Inevitably Infectious?)  
  
"Hey Ronnie!" Evil Chick chirped. "Nice to see you again!"  
  
"Ronnie?" Saruman asked incredulously.   
  
"Yeah, Sauron, 'Ron, Ronnie." Evil Chick answered. Sauron scowled. (Curse these Alliterations!)  
  
"We knew each other back in the First Age," Evil Chick explained, noticing the baffled expression on Saruman's face. "I'm Morgoth's bastard daughter see. The result of a foolish fling with Eru's second cousin twice removed. The one who was banished by The Old Chap Upstairs, dearest ol' Grandpa Eru for something or the other. What's was her name again? Oh yeah. Mary Sue."  
  
"Ah." Saruman saw the light.  
  
Sauron glowered grimly.  
  
"Well, I'll be hanging up now." He said abruptly, and the Palantír did…something else.

  
The sound of a thousand silent silver trumpets blaring, a hundred hushed golden horns blowing and the music of a million hidden mithril harps could be (almost) heard, playing in perfect harmony as a nonexistent red carpet was rolled out, and a being…a - goodness me- a Maia swept up in all his invisible yet visible pomp and grandeur.  
  
"I am a Herald of Manwë." His voice rich and sonorous proclaimed, so smug that it was punctuated by the unspoken "You puny beings. Bow to me!" in brackets.   
  
"Hello." Evil Chick waved. "I am an Evil Chick."  
  
"I bring a message from Lord Manwë, who hath received it from The One. (So listen up, you pathetic morons.)" Continued the velvety rich voice smoothly. "Henceforth, the one known as Evil Chick is to stop addressing The One as, I quote 'The Old Chap Upstairs' and 'Ol' Grandpa Eru'. Evil Chick (you impossibly stupid mortal, you, unlike yours truly), He hath commanded that if thou doth wish to continue thy life on Arda and if thy wish and will is not to suffer a fate worse than a thousand flames writhing in thy body for all the Ages, thou will comply with the decreed orders. Fare Thee Well (you measly little idiots who will never become as powerful as me, ME!)."   
  
With that, the Herald of Manwë was swept of in a rush of air, complete with the unheard sound of trumpets and horns and harps, and maybe even the barely detectable, muted strain of a 'Gloo-ooo-ooo-ria!". Of course, it would probably have been much grander had the Herald chose not to say "Toodlepip" as he left.  
  
"OH, LIGHTEN UP, ERU OLD BOY!" Boomed a voice. An unspeakably evil voice. If Evil had a voice, that would be it. "I'M SURE YOU RECOGNISE MY VOICE, S'MORGOTH, MELKOR, WHATEVER THEY CALL ME HERE. YES, SURE, I COULD'VE HAD A BETTER DAUGHTER IF I SHAGGED THAT TINÚVIEL CHICK, BUT HEY, SHE'S STILL NOT TOO BAD. NOT TOO GOOD I MEAN, HAHA! MAN, THAT LÚTHIEN WAS HOT. I STILL HAVE THAT DVD I RECORDED OF HER DANCING. A HIDDEN CAMERA IS QUITE A USEFUL THING, YOU KNOW. HEY, ILÚVATAR, IF YOU WANT, I CAN MAKE A COPY FOR YOU, AND YOU COULD USE THAT LITTLE MESSAGE BOY OF YOURS, THAT GUARD DOG EÄRENDIL, TO PASS IT TO YOU."  
  
And then came another Voice. Not a voice, but a Voice. _The Voice_, in fact. It was Beautiful, Unspeakably So, in tones of Ethereal Light and A Multitude of Wondrous Voices Singing, of Sunlight and Rain and Waves dashing against Rock and Stars In the Sky, of the Vast Endless Eä and Air and Ten Thousand Elven Swords, of Jewels Forged by the Gwaith-i-Mírdain and the Arrows of the Galadhrim, of the Three Elven Rings of Power and the Three Silmarils and the Flame Imperishable. It shone and sliced through you like an Impossibly Magnificent Glow of Goodness and a Blinding yet Gentle Great White Light. You can of course treat this all metaphorically, except that this is _exactly_ what it sounded like (except on a much, much Grander, more _Divine_ scale), and really is not meant to be a metaphor of any sort.  
  
And the Voice said:  
  
"**_SHARRUP._**" 


End file.
